I am as if in my mother's womb again, rustling around, restless, pushing with my hands and feet at the constraints around me. Wanting out! But wait, I'm not ready, I want to stay in here. It's confining, but it's also warm and cozy and I like the gurgling sounds in my ears.
So it is with most everything I set my hand or mind to these days. Longing to bust out and break free of tethers that I think are constraining me in some way, holding me back and not letting me be. "Be what?" I ask myself. And 'round I go with this back and forth dance of wills.
I'm not as bothered by it as I used to be. It's a matter of learning to be okay in the in-between parts. Being okay with never really landing or lighting for too long. The moment I think I have come to a place of understanding myself is typically a moment that quickly changes again to the searching for my truest self. And again I re-learn that I probably didn't come bottled that way.
I didn't set out to write about this topic this morning. I was in the midst of what felt like a small epiphany about how I would frame my identity for this website. I wanted to hit the nail on the head. Let the world know this is who I am. Yes, this! "That would be version #8, you mean?" snarked a voice in my head. I'm an artist, I concluded. But wait, there's more to me than just that! And on it goes. Life is such a beautiful mess.
I am getting okay with living in the in-between, making my bed on the unresolved. If I think of it like the ocean tide rushing in and then rushing back out, over and over and over, then I can find some measure of peace in that. The ocean really never rests completely. In and out it goes. Some days quieter than others, but always moving and changing. It really doesn't even have a choice in the matter. It was born that way.
Do you know this sensation of wanting to wrap up the essence of yourself and tie a neat bow on it?
Karan Karla Aron